My first week of acupuncture

I had acupuncture twice this week. The first session was interesting because I didn't know what to expect. The office I go to use electric stim acupuncture. It is said to be more effective, quicker and less painful than the traditional chinese method. I was shocked it was so quick and painless. It's hard to know how quickly results would appear.

Later that night I had a HUGE deal fall through (I sell real estate) and normally I would freak out complete with yelling and crying and just plain frustration. But, for some reason, I was calm. WTF? Calm? Yes, my crazy a** type A personality was calm under pressure? There must be something wrong. It's then when I realized I had my first acupuncture treatment that afternoon. Coincidence? I don't know.

The next day at work was interesting because the word had spread that I had a ginormous transaction fall through and co-workers were upset for me. I was STILL cool as a cucumber. My boss actually asked if I was medicated! Ha!! They know me too well. I told him about the acupuncture and he said I should definitely keep up with it. He also told me that I should just relax and I'll get pregnant. In my mind I was like "oh no he did-ent" but I kindly told him that with my particular condition, it's not advisable to be off birth control for several reasons so it's hard to have a spontaneous pregnancy. I got him in trouble with his daughter (who works at my office and who is also TTC). Hehehehe.

My second treatment was quick and painless and easy. My stress still feels relatively under control so I'm a happy camper. We'll see if the results keep coming. Stay tuned.

and the drama continues...

So I placed a call to my RE's office this morning to outline my new "plan". I talked to a different nurse about if I need to find a new RE or if my current RE will be okay with me doing a couple rounds of shots/IUIs with the acupuncture, etc. I really truly thought that if I outlined what my expectations are that she'd be fine with letting me continuing there. Basically I told the nurse that, yes, I know I have PCOS (duh) and I know I have the chance of hyper-stimulating (double duh) but that I will be open to canceling a cycle if I have tons of follies. I'm not an idiot (though they love treating me like I am). So you can imagine how shocked I was when the nurse told me my RE re-considered and still thinks it's too much of a liability. I proceeded to try to nicely tell the nurse that it seems unethical for her to refuse to treat me. The nurse actually agreed! I said a face to face conversation would be better than communicating through nurses. So my RE was okay with a consultation regarding my feelings on these issues but it would be a $330 consultation fee. WHAT??? I've already had a consultation and paid the sh*tty fee as well as loads of other fees!

After hanging up the phone undecided on scheduling the stupid consultation, I started to think about the kind of service I'll get if I do talk her in to continuing to monitor my cycles. Yikes. So, anywho, I decided to contact another RE in the same city. He can't see me until early February so that put me off another month on beginning injections. I think a fresh start is in order and I'm excited to meet him and get his opinions on my past and future treatment plans.

In other happy news, I started acupuncture today!! Woot! It was easy and I felt good when I left. I'm going to try twice a week for a bit and then more close to ovulation and several times after I am inseminated.

What a difference a day makes

After the emotional day I had yesterday, it was nice to wake up to a Monday and get to work. *I'm not smoking crack* Before I could even get going, I got a call from my RE's (Reproductive Endocrinologist) office. Her nurse informed me of the blood work I needed prior to beginning IVF in 3 weeks. She also told me about all the drugs I needed to order. I asked her if I could just bill that through their office (we are doing a loan for part of the cost and cash for the rest). She then told me that the drugs and all the ultrasounds/blood work you need were NOT included in the price they quoted me of $8,500. Yikes! Those things add up to almost $3,000 in additional fees. I wish I could blog what went through my head, but it includes too many un-ladylike words. :)

I told the nurse that this was all news to me and she acted surprised. I hate that office. They assume you know everything about everything. Whenever I ask any questions they treat me like a dumba**. My hubby can't stand how the nurse and doc talk to me there. When you pay for everything out of pocket, it puts a little extra sting in it. Mrs. Pleasant Pants (the nurse) proceeds to tell me that the doctor is unwilling to let me do just shots and insemination. My PCOS and my resistance to sign a consent to do multi fetal reduction, makes her uncomfortable. WTF? There are tons of women who have this disease. Yes, you can stimulate lots of follies, but that doesn't mean you will every time. Also, it seems a bit unethical to say they won't keep me as a injectables/IUI patient if I don't sign a paper saying I'll reduce if I get too many babies. Sketchy, eh? Here is what I see as our 3 options:

1. Continue with IVF as planned
2. Cancel our IVF plans and instead go back to injectables/IUIs. I really only completed 2 unsuccessful rounds b/c my 3rd round was cancelled due to hyperstimulation. Along with this option, I would add acupuncture and yoga (for my infertility insanity...see yesterday's post). Unfortunately, light exercise is all I can add due to the shots.
3. Quit all the fertility treatment madness and start the adoption process. I would also hit the training/nutrition thing really hard and most likely quit birth control and let nature take it's course. Yes, I know I don't have periods OR ovulatate so this is a stretch, but oh how nice it sounds.

So after a day full of thinking and stressing, we feel more of a direction. *Notice that I keep adding "we" in there. My hubby really has no opinion. He's 100% supportive of whatever decision I make. His only real opinion is that the cost of IVF bites but he doesn't mind if we do it*. I'm still gathering info about yoga & acupuncture, but I'm pretty sure we're going to go with option 2. With option 2, we would incure no new debt b/c we can afford to pay out of pocket (it's under $2000 a round with drugs, ultrasounds, blood works, and insemination).

I feel the door is partially closed for IVF for us. I've been having so much doubt these last few weeks. It was really hard to distinguish whether I'm afraid or whether my intuition is kicking in. I feel like God speaks to me through intuition and my intuition is usually right. Fear? Intuition? Will I ever know? Only if we cough up $11,000 to play out the fear card. At this point, no thanks.

So two more rounds of shots. Please, please, please work!!!! If not, adoption here we come.

I'm officially a disaster

I've always been able to appear as though I'm holding it all together. I still can put on a pretty happy face for most people but, seriously, this whole infertility journey is starting to tear me up. I'm freaking out about IVF. The 2 main issues are that 1) I'm intimidated and scared of the procedures...especially egg retrieval and getting sick...time off work, etc. Also, 2) I'm not sure what my emotional state will be if this doesn't work and we have all the money spent (and some on a loan). I just see myself being an emotional wreck.

I'm starting to have anxiety in several areas of my life and I think that my issues with control mixed with all the IVF stress is creating a very shakey environment emotionally. I think I would definitely benefit from some sort of anxiety med, but I don't want to add another drug to my huge portfolio right now. :(

I did have a really good conversation with my SIL last night. She is one of the few people in my life to "tell me like it is". I think that most my friends 'tip toe' around me because my personality is so strong. I wish more of them would be more up front and opinionated with me, but I guess I need to work on creating more of a welcoming persona. :) I'll get right to that ;). Seriously though, I love it when someone from the outside can tell me I'm freaking out and give me a shot of reality. Last night, my SIL told me not to back out of IVF (b/c I've been considering it). She told me that I love to be in control and all the procedures and processes are unknown so it's scary. She reminded me that if it doesn't work, we still have options. My hubby and I have a huge heart for adoption, so we'll pursue that ASAP if IVF doesn't work for us. One of the most impacting thing she said is that it's not our decision whether this round of fertility treatments works, it's God's. That is so true! It's hard to remember that God still ultimately chooses whether to bless us with a baby naturally or through adoption. We're just here to try all we can (as far as fertility treatments go). I think I would kick my own a** years down the road if we didn't at least TRY all we can.

So, deep breaths... Moving forward... I'm waiting to hear from the nurse about what we need to be doing over the next 3 weeks in preparation for our first, and most likely only, IVF. Stay tuned. :)

Doing what I can to prepare for IVF

I'm back on the "eating really good" bandwagon. I'm so on again/off again about it. My hubby and I eat good most the time, but when we're splurging, we're definitely splurging. So this week I started Weight Watchers. So far, so good. I think it's a really balanced way of eating. I've been doing bouts of South Beach Diet so Weight Watchers feels so liberal. Getting more consistent with exercise is another story. For me, it couldn't be more convenient. We have a really nice home gym in the basement. So, why the heck do I avoid it like the flu? Hmmm. It's an ongoing battle. I'll keep ya updated.

Ok, I got it, I got it...

My digital pregnancy test said "NOT PREGNANT". Ok jerk, I knew I wasn't but my RE insisted I take it to be "sure". Surprisingly, I'm not upset. Not mad. I'm ok with it. Come on, AF, let's get going so I can order drugs and get re-focused on my first round of IVF. I think I need to stop reading about egg retrieval b/c it's freaking me out. I always barf my brains out when I get general anesthesia, so that's all I can think about. Hmmm. I need to get a life.

Just when I start to feel normal again...

...I feel like I'm going crazy. Here's the story: the Thursday before Thanksgiving I was told that I had almost 40 mature eggs (and this was on an IUI cycle, NOT in vitro). So we decided to cancel the cycle and I started BCPs that day. We were told not to touch each other for 2 weeks. No biggie, right? Well, on Thanksgiving one thing let to another and we broke the rules. So over the weekend, I had a few twingey moments which I assumed had to do with my follies shrinking back down. On Tuesday, we were at the mall and decided to get dinner. We ordered orange chicken and sat down to eat. Right as we began eating, I became grossed out and could smell a huge vinegar smell. My hubby said "are you pregnant"? I didn't think much of it.

On Thursday that same week, I was out showing a house to a client of mine and she said "Can I ask you something a little weird?" I said "of course." and She said "are you pregnant"? I was totally floored and this client proceeded to tell me she's always been really intuitive and has strong feelings when people around her are pregnant.

I left our showing very flustered and not sure what to do. Right now, I'm on BCPs and Ambien. Not to mention, I haven't been restricting alcohol or caffeine. So, after talking to a girlfriend, I called my RE in Omaha. She said it was a very small chance that I was pregnant and to continue on my current meds and take a pregnancy test this weekend. If it's positive, call them.

So now my mind is bouncing in between "could I be pregnant...is this a miracle?" and "you are so hormonal b/c of all the drugs you've been given...and there is no way you're pregnant!" Today is Sunday and I didn't make it a priority to get a pregnancy test so I guess I might go get one and take it Monday.

Ahhh, my crazy life. All I can do is hang on and see what happens....