...the results are in...

I'm not pregnant. This "perfect" round didn't work. I had 3-4 "perfect" eggs, a "perfect" uterine lining, and my "perfectly" timed ovulation and insemination. Sperm counts were, yes, more than "perfect".

This round was our most expensive by far. We hired a new RE and he required loads of new blood work (his fee to meet=$330, blood work for both Mark and I=$1010...this blood work proved we didn't have HIV, etc. So basically it was a waste of money.) All the drugs and scans were almost $4,000. Yikes. I could hurl.

I guess I just don't understand. I cannot wrap my brain around why God wouldn't allow me to become a mother. I know He has a plan for my life and our lives as parents. It's hard to continue to trust His plan failure after failure. Despite the disappointments throughout this journey, I know the end of it will be joyful. I cannot wait until that day. The day I see our little baby. I cannot wait!

Though I committed to 2 more rounds of shots/IUIs, this is going to be the end of the road for fertility treatments. My doctor wanted me to do 2 rounds so we could get the dosing correct but, since this last cycle was "perfect", I see no reason to put myself through the physical, emotional and financial torture of it all.

Through all this pain, I have some brewing excitement. Mark and I are now moving on to adoption. It's not a "last step" or a "giving up" for us, it's a bright new beginning. It's something we've discussed and desired since before getting married. I've witnessed how amazing adoption is through a family member's experience and it's only solidified how much we want to build our family through it. We always pictured having a child of our own first and then adopting but the plans we make for ourselves don't often seem to be the plans God makes for us. It's a hard pill to swallow, but in the end, hindsight is usually pretty dang clear.

So this blog will quickly change to "our journey through adoption". For my 2 readers out there :), stay tuned, I'm sure it will be a whole new roller coaster of emotions. We have already attended the info class at our adoption agency and I sent off the official "email of intent" to the manager so we can set up our initial interview and start the first of many stacks of paper work. After the interview, we'll have a 2 day parenting/adoption training classes. The next class is in April so I doubt we'll make that deadline. The next after that is in July. I'll keep this blog updated with the latest and greatest.

I'm reminding constantly of all the support I have around me. Thank you for all the emails, text messages, phone calls and flowers (my best friend put a bouquet of beautiful roses outside my door). I feel so loved and supported and it means the world to me. I know the continued support for this (possibly long) journey will be greatly appreciated as well. :) So thanks again. :)


Neenie/PawsNY said...

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bummed to hear about the BFN :( I am so sorry it didn't work out for you this round. However...I am doing HUGE FLIPS AND DANCES for your eager beginning to the adoption arena!!! I am SOOOOOO unbelievably touched by adoption and I get so thrilled when I hear someone else has decided to adopt a baby and give them a home and finally become parents themselves! My sister adopted from Russia (he's 2) and my sister in law adopted a little girl from Khazakstan (she's 6 now) so I am 10000000% behind you rooting and cheering you on! No matter what you decide I am cheering you on...more IUI's, cycles, whatever it is- you will become a mother. It is up to you to choose when to try a different road. The destination is the same- a beautiful baby :) So good luck and congratulations on your big move!!!!!

Meghan said...

So sorry about your negative and best of luck with the adoption.

beck said...

Just wanted to let you know that I have been and still am praying for you and Mark. I know God is still leading you, and I pray that he will continue to do so throughout this next phase! I am so excited for you two to be mommy and daddy and we can't wait to hear all about the adoption process! love you lots, miss you too.

km said...

Sweet girl...I only have a very small picture of what this must feel like for you but am encouraged myself by your joyful outlook on God's ultimate plan for your life. You always bring a smile to my face and I'm excited to read about your next stages!

ash said...

oh ash i'm sorry. of course i'm only going to have to be sorry for a little while. believe it or not, there will be a time in the future when you feel so blessed that God had this plan for you and when you look into the eyes of the children He brought into your family His way, you'll know He had a reason for this.

I'm not sure you'll actually know what that reason was exactly. I sure don't in our case. it's still hard for me when i'm lonely for the chance at a prego belly and find myself missing someone who doesn't exist. but i know God's plan is perfect. and all i do know is that if darren and i had gotten pregnant a year ago as 'planned' we wouldn't have our 3 amazing kids. and i wouldn't trade them for anything.

Nancy Hewitt said...

Hi..this is Nancy(nantucket) from Soul Cysters. I am sorry to hear about yor BFN but very happy for you on the adoption front. Kevin and I went through the adoption process 8 years ago and we never got a child because we were adament about having a baby and there just wasn't any available. We are now returning to the idea because we'd like to welcome into our family an older child that really needs a home. I hope your paperwork and homestudy goes quickly and smoothly!!

I won't be on SC much anymore. If you'd like to stay in touch my blog is here myspace.com/bizeebee3

Natalie said...


I have been thankful for your blog so I can keep up with how to pray for you. I will keep up the praying and waiting to hear where God leads you next.
Love Nat

Sara said...

Sweet Ashley...
I am so sorry to hear it wasn't successful. But I am also so thankful that you will be moving on towards HAPPINESS! Your adoption process might bring a range of emotions as well...but you pretty much know for sure it will end with a child in your arms. What joy. I am so excited to see what God has planned for you.

I love you and miss you friend.

Kymberli said...

I am sorry to hear that your cycle didn't work, but thrilled to hear that you are looking at your next path with great hope and optimism! I'll be reading along as your adoption journey unfolds!

Sassy said...

I am so sorry you've had to find a new path. I hope this one is smoother for you.

Stacy said...

Hon...I'm sorry to hear that, but I trust that God has your best in mind! I will pray for you as go through the adoption journey. My bro and sis-in-law are going through it. I hear it's a long road, but well worth it. And even if I don't comment...I'm reading your blog :)

Megan said...

I don't know what to say besides I'm sorry that you are going through this disappointment.

I look forward to hearing your adoption story though. Keep us informed!

Love ya,

G & H said...

i am new to your blog and so happy i found it! we are just beginning the adoption process and i desperatley need more adoption blogs to follow!!!! thank you for sharing yoour story please feel free to stop by my blog!



Heather said...

Hi! I just found your blog through A Love Worth Waiting For. We have gone through infertility and did treatments for a year. We decided to start the adoption process in January. We are going through the state foster/adoption care system.

Can't wait to finish reading up on your journey!