Straight to My Heart

How exactly do you make my heart smile? Gerber daisies, Jelly Bellies and People magazine. That's exactly what was sitting waiting for me when I got home from work today. Thanks Em and Gabe for a nice reminder of your love and support! :)

There was a huge envelope jammed in my little 1920s mailbox yesterday. It was our first packet of paperwork from the adoption agency. We're about 50% through it (which took an hour). I still need to track down our marriage license and proof of life insurance. Hmm...where the heck did I store those?

My new goal is to learn patience. I'm an extremely impatient person which is something I totally hate about my personality. The adoption process is VERY slow moving so I'm sure there are plenty of lessons God will be teaching me. Mark, on the other hand, is the most patient person I've ever met. Thank goodness.

Here is the process I know thus far:

-Turn in paperwork to intake coordinator
-Schedule 2 hour intake interview in Omaha
-Attend 2 day ADOPT seminar (April classes are full so we have to wait until the JULY, yes JULY, classes)
-Within a few weeks after completing the classes, we'll be set up with our case worker who will start the home study which will take months.

Good stuff. We'll keep truckin'. :)


...the results are in...

I'm not pregnant. This "perfect" round didn't work. I had 3-4 "perfect" eggs, a "perfect" uterine lining, and my "perfectly" timed ovulation and insemination. Sperm counts were, yes, more than "perfect".

This round was our most expensive by far. We hired a new RE and he required loads of new blood work (his fee to meet=$330, blood work for both Mark and I=$1010...this blood work proved we didn't have HIV, etc. So basically it was a waste of money.) All the drugs and scans were almost $4,000. Yikes. I could hurl.

I guess I just don't understand. I cannot wrap my brain around why God wouldn't allow me to become a mother. I know He has a plan for my life and our lives as parents. It's hard to continue to trust His plan failure after failure. Despite the disappointments throughout this journey, I know the end of it will be joyful. I cannot wait until that day. The day I see our little baby. I cannot wait!

Though I committed to 2 more rounds of shots/IUIs, this is going to be the end of the road for fertility treatments. My doctor wanted me to do 2 rounds so we could get the dosing correct but, since this last cycle was "perfect", I see no reason to put myself through the physical, emotional and financial torture of it all.

Through all this pain, I have some brewing excitement. Mark and I are now moving on to adoption. It's not a "last step" or a "giving up" for us, it's a bright new beginning. It's something we've discussed and desired since before getting married. I've witnessed how amazing adoption is through a family member's experience and it's only solidified how much we want to build our family through it. We always pictured having a child of our own first and then adopting but the plans we make for ourselves don't often seem to be the plans God makes for us. It's a hard pill to swallow, but in the end, hindsight is usually pretty dang clear.

So this blog will quickly change to "our journey through adoption". For my 2 readers out there :), stay tuned, I'm sure it will be a whole new roller coaster of emotions. We have already attended the info class at our adoption agency and I sent off the official "email of intent" to the manager so we can set up our initial interview and start the first of many stacks of paper work. After the interview, we'll have a 2 day parenting/adoption training classes. The next class is in April so I doubt we'll make that deadline. The next after that is in July. I'll keep this blog updated with the latest and greatest.

I'm reminding constantly of all the support I have around me. Thank you for all the emails, text messages, phone calls and flowers (my best friend put a bouquet of beautiful roses outside my door). I feel so loved and supported and it means the world to me. I know the continued support for this (possibly long) journey will be greatly appreciated as well. :) So thanks again. :)


Gatorade, How I Hate Thee


I've been drinking a liter of Gatorade (actually G2--the lower sugar kind of Gatorade) daily according to my RE to avoid OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome). I feel like I'm pretty out of the woods because I'm not really bloated any more. But, I guess I'm "at risk" for another week so I'll keep choking down the Gatorade.

I still remain pretty symptom free. It's a little odd because my last few cycles I had lots of weird things happening to my body. The only thing to note is very mild cramps and a bunch of red dots that appeared on my chest and are fading. I'm excited because I'm already 7 dpo and I get to test a week from today. It's all gone by pretty fast surprisingly. I hope this week continues to fly!


Why do I feel so normal??

I hope I don't jinx myself, but today I've felt pretty normal again. It's the first day in a few where I'm not a bloated disaster and cramping like crazy. The progesterone & estrogen seem to be side effect free (knock on wood).

Tonight will be interesting....I'm tossing the Ambien. If you don't know about this wonderful drug, it's a sweeeet sleep medicine that I can barely live without. Unfortunately, it's a class C drug that hasn't been tested for it's affect on pregnant women and the possible dangers for the fetus early in pregnancy. I still remember when my best friend was in the hospital with uber high blood pressure and, in effort to help her relax, they hooked her up with some Ambien (apparently it's ok later in pregnancy). She called me the next day and was like "I totally see how you love that stuff." She cracks me up. So if you want to find me sometime around midnight or 2am or 4am or even 7am, I'll still be awake lying on my couch. It's a bit of detox for a couple nights. :)

Ridiculous story of the day:
I was going to the bank today to deposit my check. There were 2 lanes that were clearly marked...one going right, one going left. The bank was to the right so I was in that lane. I had noticed that the lady in the lane next to me and a little in front was in a mini van that was SUPER beat up...like it was hit with basketball sized hail. It looked really odd. So right when we were practically parallel, she decided to jerk over in my lane to turn right and I had to throw on my breaks and roll up on the curb a bit to not get side swiped. WHAT A FREAK SHOW! LOOK AT YOUR VAN AND GET A CLUE! Fortunately, I drive a Jeep so it was sort of fun to go up on the curb, but it was still annoying.


Let the two week wait begin...

It's almost 4:30 in the afternoon and I'm just sitting up for the first time since Mark & I drove home from my IUI this morning. For some reason, I'm in A LOT of discomfort this time around. The only way I can explain how I feel is to think of your worst menstrual cramp and imagine it being constant (if you're a guy, you won't understand at all). The first two hours after the IUI were absolute misery. I couldn't even stand up straight. I'm hoping the cramping will soon end especially because Advil is off limits. Boo! But...if this brings us a blessing (or two, hopefully not more than four) it will all be worth it. :) Mark is taking good care of my every need with no complaining so, for that, I'm really thankful.

I start progesterone and estrogen on Monday. The medications help my lining be nice and thick for the embryo to implant and will help to prevent miscarriage. Gals with PCOS, like myself, have a higher likelihood of miscarriage. I'm happy to put away all the needles but have to laugh that they're just replaced with more drugs. Gotta love fertility treatment. ;)


So, the results are in...

To my shock, I did indeed have some follicles "take the lead". I have 4 pretty follies ready to go and LOTS of others that are too small. So the good news is that I'll take my first trigger shot tonight (to make me ovulate) and my second trigger shot tomorrow afternoon and we'll have our IUI Saturday morning. Saturday is a fabulous day for the IUI because I'm sure I'll be in misery with the the loads of eggies I'll be ovulating and I can just RELAX. Woot! So, thanks for the prayers and support. Keep them coming!!


RE apt today and how lost I am about LOST


Mark and I love the show LOST. I think the writers found some extra motivation to add even more crazy twists. Regardless, if you have a clear understanding of what might be happening, let me know.

In other underwhelming news, I had an ultrasound and blood work after taking shots for 4 days. I had LOTS of follicles that were measuring really small. Ideally, my RE wants to see 3 or so follicles measuring 18-21mm. I had 10+ measuring 5-9mm. In good news, my lining was nice and thick which has been a problem in the past. I wonder if it's the new medication or acupuncture or both?? To try to avoid over-stimulation (and canceling my cycle) my RE reduced my medication for the next 3 days and also added another shot (how am I so lucky?) to prevent me from ovulating on my own. Remember how I mentioned that my body is not my own?!? :)

So I remain optimistic. For those pray-ers out there, please pray that I don't over-stimulate. That would be a big blow to my motivation to continue any sort of fertility treatment. All for now...


Picture Survey

If you have a facebook or myspace (who doesn't??), you might have already seen this survey. I thought it was a fun idea, so here's what I've got:

1. Go to www.photobucket.com (don't sign in)
2. Type in your answer to the question in the "search" box
3. Use only the first page
4. Copy the html and paste for the answer.

1. What's your first name?

2.What is your relationship status? happily married

3.What is your favorite color?
cobalt blue

4. Who is your celebrity crush?
Sean Combs - $300 Million

5. What band are you listening to right now?

6. What is your favorite movie?
Walk The Line

7. What is your favorite Disney Princess?

8. Name your favorite alcoholic beverage?
jack daniels

9. Where is your dream vacation?

10. What is your favorite dessert?
Chocolate cake

11. What do you want to do when you grow up?

12. What do you love most in life?