8.26.2008

Can I step off this roller coaster, please?

The last 2 days contain my highest highs and lowest lows in life. 

Sunday night we got "the call" to go to the hospital. Birthmom was in labor (2+ weeks early!) and shortly thereafter gave birth to a beautiful boy. We had the joy of helping with the first bath and putting on his first diaper and it was just an intimate wonderful experience. 

Last night we spent time with the birthparents and their family and "little D". Today was full of preparation and then came THE CALL. The call any prospective adoptive parent fears. The birthparents want to take the baby home for a week before making a decision on adoption. 

You know when people say "there are just no words to describe it"?? Well, there are a lot of words. These are at the top of my list: deception, shock, pain, devastation. I'm not sure whether I will remain optimistic until Tuesday or start now in picking up the pieces of our shattered hearts.

I know God has a plan. I know that this part of His plan will make us stronger. We've been through so much to have our hearts tossed around like this but we still have each other, our family, friends, a cozy home, 2 fabulous dog children, our health, our jobs, etc.

That's all for now. More later when my head stops spinning.

36 comments:

Shauna said...

I'm so sorry ashley.......

Sara said...

I'm in tears for you my dear friend...I am so sorry. I will be praying for you as you wait to hear. xxoo

Busted said...

I'm so, so sorry. It's not fair that you have to go through this. I will hope that it all turns out ok.

Kymberli said...

I am in tears for you. I am hoping and praying that your time to be a mother is now.

Amber said...

Ashley,

So sorry to hear about this news. I am sure you are so scared on what their decision is going to be and I know that it doesn't help when people tell you that it just might not be ment to be. But when the heck will it be ment to be???? I understand the frustration of wanting to provide a stable and loving home for a child and being powerless to have that opportunity. I will keep you in my prayers that your heart will not break any more than what you already know and that you can have peace with whatever decision is made.
amber
www.freewebs.com/thedyerbaby

Tracey said...

I am so sorry....I will pray that God heals your heart and ...I don't know what to say...this is any waiting adoptive parents worst fear and it really stinks...I am there for you!!! God Bless!!!

Stefan, Sarah and Lukka said...

Oh Ashley, I am so sorry. You and Mark are in our prayers.
Sarah M.

Erin said...

I know it doesn't help with the pain, but you are right that God has a plan. You will learn something from this experience, just like you have learned from all the others. If this is truly your son, he will come home with you.

Kathleen*Bass said...

Oh I am so sorry to hear this news...I have been excitedly lurking here to see when baby D would arrive. My heart breaks for you, and I will keep you and the baby and the birthparents in our prayers. BIG HUGS!!!!
(Kathleen from adoption forum)

Debbie B said...

So sorry to hear this news. Praying for you all.

Melba said...

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and know that you are not alone through this!

Julie said...

We'll be thinking and praying for you until you hear more!

Becky said...

I'm so sorry to hear this! Having had 2 adoption plans fall through, I do know how you feel!!!
Not wanting to keep your hopes up, it sounds like they have not made a final decision. I would try to pick up and move on and that way, you'd be all the more estatic if they were to call with a final decision that goes your way. It does happen. Maybe having him home will help them see they are not ready to parent.??
So sorry for your heart!
But, jump back in there!!!
I wouldn't have my two if we hadn't!!!

Diana said...

Oh no, my eyes are filled with tears. I know you said you tried to prepare for this but I don't think you really can. I don't think it is wrong to hope they decide not to parent. I will be hoping for that!

BrandiH2007 said...

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this news. I hope everything turns out ok, I'll be thinking of you.

Manda said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine what the next week will be like for you. Tons of good thoughts coming your way.

Maygy said...

I'm so sorry. There's no way in this situation to be ready for news like that. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Carrie27 said...

I'm so sorry! I hope that the birth parents give you your blessing as they had originally planned.

I hope this next week flies by for you two and that you hear nothing but good news!

Angi said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can only imagine what you are going through right now. I know how difficult it was during our waiting period and the fear that our daughter's BP's would change their mind. I am praying that they make the best decision for the child - for you to bring him hom.

Amanda Wheeler said...

I just started reading your blog about a month ago and I've been praying for you both this whole time.

I'm so sorry. May God's grace surround you.

Amanda

jesshustad said...

You will never know how incredibly loved you are. By our Heavenly Father, your family, and your friends. (This is clearly evident based on all the comments you have received...we all love you)

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. ALL THE DAYS ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" (Psalm 139:13-16).

May you be encouraged this morning. May you praise our Heavenly Father this morning. Even among this pain. As I have told you, you ARE going to be an incredible mother. Your "due date" just hasn't arrived yet. If it is next Tuesday, wonderful. If not, we will cross that bridge, TOGETHER, when we get to it.

You are so incredibly loved Ashley. That includes ME at the TOP of the list.

All my love, encouragement, prayers, & HOPE are with you today.

Love you,
Your sister.in.law

Leah said...

I am so sorry. God does have a plan for you life.

heather.pnr said...

My children came to us through adoption and I know what a difficult, emotionally intense time this can be. Hang in there.

No matter how sure someone is about adoption, the decision to place a child needs to be remade post-birth. If they do end up placing him with you, you'll know that they really had time to weigh their decision. It probably doesn't seem this way now, but that would be really meaningful for you and your son in the future.

Thinking of you. May God grant you His peace regardless of how this resolves.

Aaron and Angie said...

Ashley, the second call... it's not just all those words you described... it plain sucks. I will keep you and DH in my prayers. Why does this have to be so hard? Hugs...

Lassie said...

I found you from stirrupqueens and froze when I read your post. Pretty much the exact same thing happened to me last November. I was there for the delivery ready with the carseat 2 days later and I got the CALL 20 minutes before we were scheduled to pick the baby up from the hospital-the birth parents wanted to take the baby home for a few days before making their decision. ugh. I still think about those days and they remain some of the toughest of my life. My heart aches for you.

I'm so glad you are acknowleding God's plan. He does have one and it does include you being a momma. In our case, the birth parents ended up parenting their child, but we were matched with another child and had a completed adoption 3 months later. Hang in there. You will be a mom. Please email me if you need to connect with someone who has been through the same wait.

All the best

Courtney said...

Ashley...I'm so bummed. When I read your status on facebook, my heart lurched out of my chest, so I flew over to read your blog post. Don't give up hope, God has a perfect plan for this precious little boy. Rest in that promise! Check out Hebrews 4:16 and Zephaniah 3:17 they have encouraged me in some of my hardest moments. Hugs!

katd said...

I'm here from Mel's Lost and Found. I am so sorry for what you're going through. We went through a failed match prior to adopting our daughter and there are no words to explain the pain. I'm saying a special prayer for you and your family as well as the precious baby and his birth family. Hang in there!

Courtney Hope said...

Ash, I'm so, so sorry. My heart is hurting for you and Mark... I know you will both endure and find the hope in all of this. I am certainly praying for you guys- that no matter what happens you will both find peace in it.

Much love- Court

Good Egg Hunting said...

Am here via L&F...am so sorry for what you are going through -- I cannot imagine your angst. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

Neenie/PawsNY said...

OMG- I am frozen for you and I am only hoping that this all works out for you and Mark in the most positive and beautiful way. Praying that this all works out for you and that God walks you through this difficult time.
xoxoxoxoxox

Cibele said...

Am here from L&F... I ma so sorry. Praying and hoping for a happy ending

ash said...

oh ash. i love you and i'll pray so hard for you. i know i can't say much to make you feel better, (we've had our own bumps and now don't get to adopt theia for another year). love is hard, and i really do feel terrible for you. let me know if i can do anything, or just listen.

Hannah said...

Ash & Mark, I'm so sorry for this crazy week after months of readying your heart. I add my love to all the others.

Rebekah said...

Oh, Ashley...I can't even imagine the devastation and anger you must feel. Sometimes life is just too cruel...
Hang in there.

Karen said...

Ashley, I'm glad you submitted to Creme! I still remember getting your comment on my blog and clicking over and reading this. I sat there at my computer and prayed for you immediately because I was overwhelmed with empathy. I don't know if I've told you this, but I called up my mom and mother-in-law and asked them and J and a couple of my friends to pray for you, too. When I read on that following Tuesday that Declan had miraculously come back to you, I called up my mom again and we cried with joy together on the phone. I felt like your happy ending was healing some of the pain that I had felt the previous month. Congrats, again, on Declan...he is absolutely beautiful.

itsazooaroundhere said...

Here from Creme de la Creme, and I had to read the rest of your posts immediately to find out what happened. I know at the time you wrote this you were crushed, and I'm so sorry for that.

But, glad he was worth the wait :)

Congratulations!