In August of 2015, I had been lifting for awhile but not specifically powerlifting. Brooks and I attended the Cornhusker State Games and I was totally inspired and posted this "maybe competing next year" Instagram post. My trainer was totally on board and we spent the next year training. To say it was a full circle moment is an understatement. I was lucky to be cheered on by family and friends making the grind totally worth it. At what age do we quit doing things that scare us? I want to keep picking activities and challenges that make me pause and wonder if I can even do it. No harm in trying, right? ;)
Bedtime is generally a smooth process for my middle son, Lincoln. Tonight he wanted his Kindle Fire instead of getting in bed. All the boys had some "fire time" so I didn't expect the ensuing battle.
Declan gave an "awwwwww mom" with a teenage like tone. Lincoln, on the other hand, went in to what I've started to call a rager. He got in to a tight ball, hid is face, hit his head on the wall and said "You're not my mom.....I'm leaving here....when you get up in the morning, I'm gone...I'm a jerk...I want to die." He's FIVE. These episodes vary in length and we don't know exactly when his inability to regulate his emotions will rear it's head. Other times, he's our easy "sure mom" kid.
I got him on my lap. Not an easy feat. This kid is solid. I stroked his hair as he told me how awful I was. Let's just say I'm glad I'm a power lifter because this kid hates being held when he's raging. I validated his feelings of frustration and asked how I could help him settle down. Sometimes he tells me he needs to take deep breaths and we do it together. Tonight, nothing would work so I changed gears and called for Ellie. She's our white boxer who joined our family a few months back. I joked with my mom that she's Lincoln's therapy dog. He loves her so much.
Ellie hopped on the bed and I proceeded to do deep breaths with her which, of course, got silly fast as she licked my face and pawed at my hand to be petted. Lincoln burst in to laughter and I felt his strong body relax. Eventually he laid down and asked that I lay with him. After a minute of silence he said he was ready to settle down and take 3 big breaths. We did them together.
Bedtime routine re-started and we prayed together with Declan too. You see, they share a room now. Linc has said enough negative things that Declan wants to keep close tabs on them. They're besties. My heart breaks that Decs, at age 7, has anxiety over his little brother's words and actions. Next up were songs. Linc requested Amazing Grace and he took my face in his hands and I sang it twice through with tears streaming down my face. He wiped them, stroked my hair. He hugged my neck and told me how much he loves me. I couldn't form words but I know he knows the feeling is mutual. I tell him all the time. I make sure to tell him no matter what he says and does, we will always love him.
His trauma brain imprisons him at times. He didn't chose the first two years of his life. Nor will he ever be completely whole because of them. On nights like tonight, I really hate the a-hole trauma brain. You won't win my son, TB. No way. I'll love him fiercely through all the dark chaos his birth parent's bad choices dumped on him. I've got your back, Lincoln James.
Mark and I had our 13th Anniversary this past Monday. We celebrated by hosting a Memorial Day BBQ. It was perfection.
We are in such good place. We tag team like a boss and are on the same page with little and crazy big things. No marriage is perfect but I'm pretty dang thrilled we get to figure out this life together.
Here's to 13 more...
On January 21st, I met a fellow foster mom to get an anchor tattoo representing the hope this journey has required. The day before, our boy's parents relinquished their rights. Had they not made that decision, I really believe the same outcome would have been reached at the upcoming TPR trial- but we had an unpredictable judge so that was not guaranteed. Regardless, there was something deeper that came for me with them choosing to stop fighting and let the boys be adopted. I can't image the pain and sorrow that came with that decision.
Hope did anchor my soul. Many times over.
It was so touching to dedicate the boys surrounded by family and friends. A moment I've dreamed about for a long time. All my emotions from the previous days spilled over holding my youngest son during worship. His little hands wrapped around my neck and his head on my shoulder...this is the family we have prayed and hoped for. So thankful.
I'm still processing the life changing, overwhelmingly awesome, incredible adoption weekend. More on that, I promise. Here's the memory video I made for the boys. Cramming 2.5 years in to a little video is hard. My heart hurts seeing those empty faces on day 1 but I love the beautiful transformations as they days ticked by. Thank you, Lord, for your powerful healing.
SO MANY life happenings right now. I'll catch up my blog some day, I promise. But until then, I wanted to take a minute to mark a precious moment in time. Last week, Declan's birth mom had a sweet baby boy. I was taken back by how emotional it was to see Decs with a blood sibling (his first!) Open adoption is a ridiculously beautiful thing.