Still alive and (sort of) kicking...

Well, it's been a difficult few days to say the least. We feel like we are stuck in this tortuous "in between" period where we are completely powerless on whether our life will change or not next week. It's hard to hold out hope that the baby will be placed with us...probably because I can't wrap my head around being home with him for a week and then placing. It apparently happens. Some birthparents need more time to say 'hello' before saying 'goodbye'.  More likely, is that we'll be updating our profile and jumping in to the waiting pool. I still can't let my mind and heart begin to clear until Tuesday...until we hear their final choice. 

I'm still not working. My mental numbness zapped my motivation. I also have little desire to be social. It's hard to re-hash our experiences from the beginning of the week...that we'd finally be parents and then being blind-siding that it won't be happening for now. One of the most heart breaking conversations I had with Mark was about how he had a super guarded heart until he met the baby. He finally let his guard down- how could he not- he was going to be a daddy!? He also feels really bad that my dream of motherhood slipped through my fingers. Fortunately, we've been able to mope around- I mean support- each other. We've drug ourselves out of the house for some yummy dinners and deep conversations and all I can say is that I'm immensely blessed with Mark as my spouse. We have a strong marriage and I'm so thankful for that.

One thing is clear- we have fallen in to different coping mechanisms. He has been all about routine- he was right back at work, still has his buds over to lift weights, etc. I've withdrawn from the world- I've been sleeping in as late as I can, cleaning the house, taking naps, checking all voicemails and blog comments (bawling my eyes out when doing this) and just trying to put one foot in front of the other.  I hope my desire to socialize will rekindle soon--this is very much unlike me. 

I plan on going back to work on Wednesday. We just need to hear that the door is completely shut prior to moving on. From there- we'll be revamping our profile and sitting down with our caseworker to fill out a preference form for our future child. 

To all my blog friends, real life buds and family...thank you for your support. Sorry I left so many voicemails and texts unanswered. The space has been needed and appreciated. This is the most excruciating thing we've gone through and I know we'll make it through it and come out stronger. I trust God's plan--I don't understand it, but I trust it. More on Tuesday....

p.s...When Mark walked in the door on Wednesday, he petted our dogs who were thrilled to see him and said: "thanks for NEVER breaking my heart." If you're a dog owner, it's so true---they offer unconditional love.