I'm still not working. My mental numbness zapped my motivation. I also have little desire to be social. It's hard to re-hash our experiences from the beginning of the week...that we'd finally be parents and then being blind-siding that it won't be happening for now. One of the most heart breaking conversations I had with Mark was about how he had a super guarded heart until he met the baby. He finally let his guard down- how could he not- he was going to be a daddy!? He also feels really bad that my dream of motherhood slipped through my fingers. Fortunately, we've been able to mope around- I mean support- each other. We've drug ourselves out of the house for some yummy dinners and deep conversations and all I can say is that I'm immensely blessed with Mark as my spouse. We have a strong marriage and I'm so thankful for that.
One thing is clear- we have fallen in to different coping mechanisms. He has been all about routine- he was right back at work, still has his buds over to lift weights, etc. I've withdrawn from the world- I've been sleeping in as late as I can, cleaning the house, taking naps, checking all voicemails and blog comments (bawling my eyes out when doing this) and just trying to put one foot in front of the other. I hope my desire to socialize will rekindle soon--this is very much unlike me.
I plan on going back to work on Wednesday. We just need to hear that the door is completely shut prior to moving on. From there- we'll be revamping our profile and sitting down with our caseworker to fill out a preference form for our future child.
To all my blog friends, real life buds and family...thank you for your support. Sorry I left so many voicemails and texts unanswered. The space has been needed and appreciated. This is the most excruciating thing we've gone through and I know we'll make it through it and come out stronger. I trust God's plan--I don't understand it, but I trust it. More on Tuesday....
p.s...When Mark walked in the door on Wednesday, he petted our dogs who were thrilled to see him and said: "thanks for NEVER breaking my heart." If you're a dog owner, it's so true---they offer unconditional love.