8.29.2008

Still alive and (sort of) kicking...

Well, it's been a difficult few days to say the least. We feel like we are stuck in this tortuous "in between" period where we are completely powerless on whether our life will change or not next week. It's hard to hold out hope that the baby will be placed with us...probably because I can't wrap my head around being home with him for a week and then placing. It apparently happens. Some birthparents need more time to say 'hello' before saying 'goodbye'.  More likely, is that we'll be updating our profile and jumping in to the waiting pool. I still can't let my mind and heart begin to clear until Tuesday...until we hear their final choice. 

I'm still not working. My mental numbness zapped my motivation. I also have little desire to be social. It's hard to re-hash our experiences from the beginning of the week...that we'd finally be parents and then being blind-siding that it won't be happening for now. One of the most heart breaking conversations I had with Mark was about how he had a super guarded heart until he met the baby. He finally let his guard down- how could he not- he was going to be a daddy!? He also feels really bad that my dream of motherhood slipped through my fingers. Fortunately, we've been able to mope around- I mean support- each other. We've drug ourselves out of the house for some yummy dinners and deep conversations and all I can say is that I'm immensely blessed with Mark as my spouse. We have a strong marriage and I'm so thankful for that.

One thing is clear- we have fallen in to different coping mechanisms. He has been all about routine- he was right back at work, still has his buds over to lift weights, etc. I've withdrawn from the world- I've been sleeping in as late as I can, cleaning the house, taking naps, checking all voicemails and blog comments (bawling my eyes out when doing this) and just trying to put one foot in front of the other.  I hope my desire to socialize will rekindle soon--this is very much unlike me. 

I plan on going back to work on Wednesday. We just need to hear that the door is completely shut prior to moving on. From there- we'll be revamping our profile and sitting down with our caseworker to fill out a preference form for our future child. 

To all my blog friends, real life buds and family...thank you for your support. Sorry I left so many voicemails and texts unanswered. The space has been needed and appreciated. This is the most excruciating thing we've gone through and I know we'll make it through it and come out stronger. I trust God's plan--I don't understand it, but I trust it. More on Tuesday....


p.s...When Mark walked in the door on Wednesday, he petted our dogs who were thrilled to see him and said: "thanks for NEVER breaking my heart." If you're a dog owner, it's so true---they offer unconditional love. 

16 comments:

Melba said...

The comment your husband made about your dogs is so true. That's the best thing about dogs, they truly do love you unconditionally and just for you. I'm so glad you have that small bit of comfort in your life right now.

I think your desire for solitude is par for the course with what's going on. I can completely understand you not wanting to uphold your normal routine right now. I am still praying and hoping for the best for you.

My heart aches for you because I can only imagine the pain of what's happening. This puts an entirely different spin on the idea of waiting. Hang in there!!

Melba

Meghan said...

Still thinking of and praying for you!

Have to say, I managed to contain the tears until your last p.s. I can not imagine your pain right now, do what you need to do start the healing process, if that means withdrawing, so be it

Megan said...

I'm so glad you and Mark have each other's support through all of this. Please know that we love you guys and are here whenever you feel like you are ready for a little social time, give us a call. Plus, we have your birthday present that Chris "helped" make (we had to go get the stuff to make us the same thing when he saw it)!

Infertile Friend said...

I have no doubt that God sends us our dogs for a reason. They are there to show us the kind of love God has for us - unconditional! I'm so sorry for your situation and I'll pray for you.

amber said...

Ashley,

I was thinking and praying about you and Mark last night. I just wanted you to know that I am still praying for your hearts, no matter what the outcome.

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog randomly. i am soooooo sorry about the situation. I wish i could change it.
stay strong and PRAISE DOGS!!!

Jacquie (No. California)

stacy said...

I'm with Meghan...was doing ok through your blog until the end. Where the tears started falling. Love you guys!

Liz said...

we're praying and weeping with you, my dear. All of the consoling words that come to mind only seem like cliches, in spite of their truth.

I love you.

Tracey said...

I am so so sorry....I am there holding your handing and crying with you...I can't imagine...but I do understand....and YOU GO GIRL....HAVE ALL THE HORRIBLE FEELINGS YOU WANT...and sleep as late as you want....you deserve it......WHAT A GREAT HUBBY....MAKE HIM A GREAT DINNER TONIGHT...IT WILL MAKE YOU BOTH FEEL BETTER...well maybe a little. God Bless

becklaw said...

i'm so glad you updated....i've been wondering, and checking, but trying not to pry. i hope you can feel peace from all the prayers that are going up for you and Mark (and D and the birthparents.) we love you guys and miss you. p.s. GO huskers!

Karen said...

Ashley, I am weeping for you and I will be praying for you and Mark, as people prayed for me. It made a huge difference for J and I. Don't give up hope! Maybe after a few sleep-deprived nights, the birth parents will be ready to let him go. It encourages me that they have left this window open and not just slammed the door on you, and I will pray boldly for God to work on their hearts and for them to make the right decision, whatever that is.

Also, if I may be so presumptuous as to say this, I don't believe that the pain you are feeling is God's plan. His plan is "to prosper you, and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future." I don't believe that this thing that is happening to you is something that God is inflicting on you to make you stronger, it is just something that is happening to you because the world can be a crappy place, and God will work it out for good because He loves you. That is what I believe. I'm just saying this because when people told me that losing Lucy was God's plan it made me angry at God, and I had to let go of that idea in order to move on and let Him heal me.

Blessings,
Karen

Courtney said...

If you have not read it already or if you have time to read one more blog...check out www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com Christy Lewis sent it to me and it encourages me every day I read it. Last week Angie said, "I know HIM so I don't have to know why." which has really stuck with me.
Hope it encourages you during this "storm".
Praying 4 ya!

Reggie Boppy said...

My heart is just breaking for you and your husband. I hope this situation works out in your favor. So true about dogs, mine have been my saving grace through rough times. (((hugs)))

Mountain Girl said...

I cannot say that I understand where you are coming from. But, I'm sure the pain is so great - you are wise to do what YOU need to do to heal and take care of yourself. I have a cocker spaniel who is MY BABY and I am sooooooo very thankful for him because he never lets me down and loves me no matter. As others have said, I pray that God's BEST will happen for you!

ash said...

still praying for you ash. i tried to call, but didn't want to leave a message. call if/when you can.

love you.

Rebekah said...

I don't even have words to encourage you. I'm so sorry. I'm with you, when times get emotional for me I retreat. The world is just too harsh to face sometimes.

Thinking about you lots...