…and Exhale...

It's a very weird position foster parenting puts you in--for so many reasons. I find myself wanting to blurt out all the crazy ass things we are going through right now but I just can't. Instead I am here documenting our journey in tidbits. Here is the general summary: we are fighting for the boys legally now. I say "now" because we took the boys as their permanency placement. Parents hadn't been on the grid for over 9 months (anything 6 months+ is considered abandonment). So it was a pretty low risk situation as far as having to fear losing them once they came.

Then, enter small town law. Mistakes have happened and the entire case almost got thrown out. Like "come drop your babies off at the police station" over. After 3 anxiety packed weeks and major mama bear advocating (which, for the record, does nothing really) we found out this last week that the case will not be thrown out but there will be aspects that feel like starting all over. These aspects will drag our boy's little damaged hearts through the mud and we will have to pick up the pieces over and over until they are finally ours. When we are done adopting them, if I hear "reasonable efforts" again, I will throat punch someone.

Regardless, this crazy life is indeed our reality. A smidge of turbulence...ahem...okay maybe earth shaking turbulence but we are all in so buckle up. During this time a song has resonated with me so deeply that I can't listen to it without crying. I listen to it/pray through it before our almost weekly court dates. 

Foster parenting is not for the faint of heart. Without God, I don't know if my feet could every wander this far in to the dark, hard, gritty battle we are in. Through it I want my faith to be made stronger. I know it is stronger and have seen our impact on others around us. People see us doing some amazing thing but we just see it as loving on our sons. Fighting for them....for their hearts to know security. For their little heads to be filled with awesome memories....for them to feel unconditional love. God has lead us here and He will lead us through the ups and downs.

Please listen to this song....it's our ANTHEM....

You call me out upon the waters,
The Great unknown where feet may fail.
And there I find you in the mystery;
In oceans deep my faith will stand.

So I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise my soul
Will rest in your embrace,
For I am yours and you are mine.

Your Grace abounds in the deepest waters,
Your Sovereign hand will be my guide.
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me;
You've never failed
And you won't stop now.

So I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise my soul
Will rest in your embrace,
For I am yours and you are mine.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my savior.

I will call upon your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in your embrace
I am yours and you are mine.


Bri said...

Ashley!! Goodness, girl, I had no idea this was all going on! (I am off of FB for lent). I am in tears for you guys but so full of hope!

This song is one of my favorites. There is this kid at church that belts this out in an amazing and powerful way that I wish you could hear!

Prayers for you and those sweet boys constantly.

Rebekah said...

Oh, Ashley. I feel you. We're on a different ride, but at the same park. It is crazy.

Our babies are the ones that really suffer (and it's not so comfortable for us!)

Hang in there. There are crowns for the faithful. Big fat bedazzled ones.