4.22.2012

God must have big plans for us...

I'm convinced more than ever that God must have big plans for us. We are most definitely on a difficult journey to baby #2. Three weeks ago my phone rang and the director of our agency asked me to get a pen. With a shakey hand I wrote out tons of details about a birth mom who chose our profile. We met her that weekend with her cute 36 week pregnant belly and found out it was girl. Oh, my did I cry! Made a fool of myself really. We were floating on cloud nine. In a few short weeks we would be parents.

That next weekend we had birthmom and her parents over to meet both sets of our parents. This was at their request and we were thrilled to open our home to them. The week was filled with completing little projects around the house and setting up a girled out, funky, darling nursery. What a blast. My sister-in-law was over late each night helping my vision come to life in there. Every late night was worth it when birthmom saw what we had done and loved it. The night was full of conversation and, when they left, we felt great.

Fast forward just over a week (this past Wednesday) and baby girl was born!! It was such a long labor that ended in c-section but mom and baby were healthy. We drove up to Omaha the next day to meet her. She was knock-me-over precious. Super dainty and sweet. Melt me. Birthmom's family was super welcoming and it was just an awesome night. As we drove home, my heart over flowed and we were just so excited. I was invited up the next day and spent two hours snuggling sweet girl. Yesterday, I received texts about meeting up at the newborn care provider's house. You see, here's the hitch. There were two possible fathers and, at our agency, paternity has to be figured out (they were both identified) before relinquishments can be signed. Nerve wracking for sure but there was a lot of peace around it all. Peace that's hard to explain....peace that only God can give.

This morning, the call came. The call we've received before. The adoption is not going to happen. Paternity came in and birthfather is going to parent. We hadn't even considered this being an option at this point. After we scraped ourselves off the floor, we just stood there shocked that this is the end of the story for us with sweet baby girl. I still can't believe it.

I will say this: the peace still exists. God is in control. He is good - all the time. Among the peace there is pain (and lots of it). My heart was primed and ready to be mommy to this baby girl. But, I know God's faithful and our prayers for another child will be answered...in His time. I can't help but replay last week's sermon in my head. I'm going to attach a link to anyone that wants to radically change the way they view their prayer life. I have always been scared to pray super specifically. I tended to pray for God's will in a situation and gently suggest my desire. I didn't fully believe that prayer moved the sovereign hand of God. In last week's sermon, our pastor talked about two characters in the Bible: James and Peter. Both were imprisoned and the church prayed fervently for deliverance. James was killed and Peter miraculously escaped from prison. I'm WAY oversimplifying so please listen to or read the sermon. An exerpt:

"I would love to be able to tell you this morning that, if you pray fervently and if you believe, you can walk out these doors believing God will release Peter and everything will be okay. If you just conjure up enough faith, you can actually manipulate the hand of God and get whatever you want. That’s the way it works; but that’s only part of the story. It’s a great story. Peter was miraculously released, but James is dead. I’m sure they were praying for James. I’m sure they loved James; I’m sure they wanted James released, but James is dead and Peter is released.
This is the challenge of prayer. We don’t know, at the end of the day, whether we get a James story or whether we get a Peter story. And if you get enough James stories, you start to believe it doesn’t work. It doesn’t do anything; it doesn’t change anything. I mean I can only hope and believe so many times. If I keep being disappointed, I just can’t go there anymore. And so I stop believing that prayer really moves the hand of God. Maybe it’s just a therapy session and nothing more.
I do believe with all of my heart that prayer does move the hand of God. I believe that! I’m just telling you that it’s hard and it’s painful and, when the hand of God doesn’t move, it’s painful in a deep part of me—and some of you, probably many of you, would resonate with that. You’ve been down that same path, where you cry out to God and it seems like God doesn’t care. It seems like God doesn’t listen, and you finally concluded, “It just doesn’t work. What’s the use of doing it anymore? I can’t think that way one more time; I can’t hope one more time because I just can’t endure the pain of being disappointed one more time.” We have to discipline ourselves, with all that we have, to believe that prayer can move the hand of a sovereign God. It is possible that, through my prayers, God might do the impossible. I might get a Peter story or I might get a James story. That’s what makes prayer so hard." (Whole sermon right here).

All of that is to say that, even though we prayed so hard and our friends and family prayed so hard, this is our James story. It doesn't mean God doesn't love us and doesn't hear our prayers. It just means this time it's not going to go the way our hearts longed for. Mark and I talked a lot today about perseverance. We both believe this situation will grow us, refine our faith. The other big thing that smacked us in the face all day long? DECLAN WAS WORTH THE PAINFUL WAIT. Totally worth it. I mean, off the charts, he's the best thing that ever happened to us, can't image our lives without him. Worth every annoying home study appointment and worth that phone call that said "they're parenting" that tore our hearts up for a week. And, you know what? I'm pretty darn sure we'll feel that way about our next kiddo.

It's crazy what 3 weeks can do to your life. I say again what I deeply believe: God has big plans for us. :) Stay tuned.

18 comments:

Bri said...

My heart is heavy with you tonight. Love and hugs your way!

Renae said...

I'm so sorry you got such devastating news. We have been in a very similar situation. Praying for your hearts and knowing that God has very special plans for you & baby #2.

Amber said...

I am so so sorry to read this news. Your FB post had me worried and I hated to ask. I don't have any words to comfort but I truly do believe that this heartache will be worth it when you have your baby in your arms.

Your sermon sounds very similar to ours today. I will listen to yours.

Today ours was "I Wonder. Why Is There So Much Pain & Suffering?" The former Senior Pastor came in and did the sermon. It was just fantastic and also talked about perseverance.

James 1:2-3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds,because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Job 13:15
Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him

Blessed be the name of the Lord!

I think you will enjoy the sermon if you feel up to listening to it.

BrandiH said...

I'm so sorry for this disappointing news. Big hugs, you will be blessed with another little one and it will totally be worth the wait!

Tracey... said...

So sorry...prayers for you healing heart!

birthmothertalks said...

So very sorry to hear this. Hope your son isn't taking it too hard.

ash said...

oh ash, i'm so sorry. i love you and hope you guys find closure and are able to take the next step in hope and peace.

happymomof2 said...

So sorry:( <3 and ((hugs)) for you all!!!

samsmom said...

As a mama who has walked a similar road, my heart aches for you. The grief is real and hard to bear. I am so blessed by your perspective on it. Our God is the great comforter and I pray that you will continue to find comfort in Him.

Debbie said...

What an amazing message. Your faith is very clear and you are right God has amazing things in store for you and your family. Look forward to seeing what that is in God's time.

Praying for that God given peace to continue as you wait for that next call.

Erin said...

I cannot even imagine the heartache that comes with getting the call and then learning that this sweet child is not meant to be yours. As a birthmom myself, i cannot imagine all the waiting and expectations that you have.... once we chose our adoptive parents we saw their joy and couldn't have dreamed of choosing any other family for our sweet baby boy who is thriving and happy and has a life that we could not have offered. God does a plan for you, and who knows.... maybe the father will realize just how hard it is to be a parent and you will get the call again just like with Decs. I am not a religious woman, but I will be praying that this road finds you well and happy and at peace and that the happy ending you all deserve is waiting just around the next bend....

jess hustad said...

The most beautiful part to this story is the way you have clung to truth in the midst of sheer pain. I am beyond proud of you, sweet sister. I am in awe of your transparency and level head.

Thankful to be walking this journey alongside you. I"m grateful that you have allowed me to ride the highs with you...and grieve with you during the lows. You make me want to be a better person, Ashley. Your strength, courage, and gracious attitude is beautiful.

Love you so so much.

Heather Evans said...

I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. I'm praying for you guys. You are right though, God DOES have something big planned for you...whether you can see it or not right now.

Anonymous said...

This is so hard to read. A failed adoption feels kind of like a miscarriage to me. There is tremendous faith and trust in a loving God all while grief rolls through your system. I am so sorry for your loss, Ashley. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord.
-Rebecca T.

Rebekah said...

Oh, girl...I feel for you. Where is the freaking easy button??? (I've been looking for it too).

I love you and our God and your outlook on his plan. The details are written, for sure...we're just not able to read ahead.

Keep going, Ash! Good things are around the corner...

Beth said...

I wish the wait to baby was easier for all of us.
*hugs*

Kendra said...

I'm so sorry. We've been trying to adopt since 2008 and have had four failed matches. We're on pins and needles to see how match #5 ends up.

Hannah said...

I've just been to your blog for a first time in a long time. It looked like your brother's wedding was a blast!

I'm so sorry that you didn't get your baby girl, and that she was so close. I can't imagine. God keep you until Dec's new brother or sister joins the family.