A little distraction...

If you are a Cornhusker fan, you know the excitement of a Saturday game day in Lincoln. We had originally planned on having friends over to watch the game but I just didn't feel ready to handle that so we went to the game.  There is nothing like 85,000 screaming fans and an exciting game to distract from a tough time. We had a blast and it felt great to laugh and smile and CHEER! Here's a couple pics...



...and one with my hubs outside of Memorial Stadium before the game..

Still alive and (sort of) kicking...

Well, it's been a difficult few days to say the least. We feel like we are stuck in this tortuous "in between" period where we are completely powerless on whether our life will change or not next week. It's hard to hold out hope that the baby will be placed with us...probably because I can't wrap my head around being home with him for a week and then placing. It apparently happens. Some birthparents need more time to say 'hello' before saying 'goodbye'.  More likely, is that we'll be updating our profile and jumping in to the waiting pool. I still can't let my mind and heart begin to clear until Tuesday...until we hear their final choice. 

I'm still not working. My mental numbness zapped my motivation. I also have little desire to be social. It's hard to re-hash our experiences from the beginning of the week...that we'd finally be parents and then being blind-siding that it won't be happening for now. One of the most heart breaking conversations I had with Mark was about how he had a super guarded heart until he met the baby. He finally let his guard down- how could he not- he was going to be a daddy!? He also feels really bad that my dream of motherhood slipped through my fingers. Fortunately, we've been able to mope around- I mean support- each other. We've drug ourselves out of the house for some yummy dinners and deep conversations and all I can say is that I'm immensely blessed with Mark as my spouse. We have a strong marriage and I'm so thankful for that.

One thing is clear- we have fallen in to different coping mechanisms. He has been all about routine- he was right back at work, still has his buds over to lift weights, etc. I've withdrawn from the world- I've been sleeping in as late as I can, cleaning the house, taking naps, checking all voicemails and blog comments (bawling my eyes out when doing this) and just trying to put one foot in front of the other.  I hope my desire to socialize will rekindle soon--this is very much unlike me. 

I plan on going back to work on Wednesday. We just need to hear that the door is completely shut prior to moving on. From there- we'll be revamping our profile and sitting down with our caseworker to fill out a preference form for our future child. 

To all my blog friends, real life buds and family...thank you for your support. Sorry I left so many voicemails and texts unanswered. The space has been needed and appreciated. This is the most excruciating thing we've gone through and I know we'll make it through it and come out stronger. I trust God's plan--I don't understand it, but I trust it. More on Tuesday....

p.s...When Mark walked in the door on Wednesday, he petted our dogs who were thrilled to see him and said: "thanks for NEVER breaking my heart." If you're a dog owner, it's so true---they offer unconditional love. 

Can I step off this roller coaster, please?

The last 2 days contain my highest highs and lowest lows in life. 

Sunday night we got "the call" to go to the hospital. Birthmom was in labor (2+ weeks early!) and shortly thereafter gave birth to a beautiful boy. We had the joy of helping with the first bath and putting on his first diaper and it was just an intimate wonderful experience. 

Last night we spent time with the birthparents and their family and "little D". Today was full of preparation and then came THE CALL. The call any prospective adoptive parent fears. The birthparents want to take the baby home for a week before making a decision on adoption. 

You know when people say "there are just no words to describe it"?? Well, there are a lot of words. These are at the top of my list: deception, shock, pain, devastation. I'm not sure whether I will remain optimistic until Tuesday or start now in picking up the pieces of our shattered hearts.

I know God has a plan. I know that this part of His plan will make us stronger. We've been through so much to have our hearts tossed around like this but we still have each other, our family, friends, a cozy home, 2 fabulous dog children, our health, our jobs, etc.

That's all for now. More later when my head stops spinning.

Nesting

So I've been busy cleaning and organizing my house. Today, I focused on moving most of my stuff out of baby D's room (our house was built in 1922 so the closets aren't as big as I'd like), organizing his clothes and putting a few more finishing touches on his nursery.  Yes, I still work but my schedule has been really busy in the evenings (I sell real estate) so I've been sleeping in (gotta do it while I can) and working on baby stuff in the morning and then going in to work.  I'm glad I have this flexibility because I swear it's a part time job getting ready for this little guy. :) A few other things that I've been doing to keep distracted, um, I mean busy:

-Watching the Baby Dunstan Language dvds. I first saw Priscilla Dunstan on Oprah where she explained how she discovered her son had distinct cries that identified his needs. For example a cry with a "neh" sound meant he was hungry and an "owh" cry meant he was tired.  I watched these dvds with a skeptic spirit, but when I finished, I can say that I'm a bit of believer. It's weird- I hear the cries that she teaches us to listen for when I'm out in public. Obviously I will be testing my new knowledge and I will report back.

-Taking advantage of spontaneity. I'm not a very spontaneous by nature, but we've been making random dinner plans at the last minute, etc and trying to enjoy our ability to do what we want on the drop of a dime. :) I'd like to reiterate (so I can later re-read) that we really have a strong desire to continue to be social, multi-layered people. I really don't want to talk 'all baby all the time'. I'm hoping this is a realistic goal!

-Working, working, working. I've put on 6 listings this week. Each listing takes up quite a bit of time from the initial appointment to getting it online to scheduling showings and following up for feedback.  I am excited beyond words that I will get an actual 6 week time period off work. This is practically unimaginable in my field. I am fortunate to be able to "pair up" with another agent in my office that is trying to start her family- so she can take over my current business and leads (and split the commissions) and I can then do the same for her when she has a baby.  It's a huge blessing and I can't wait. I haven't really had time off in 4 years. When we do go on a vacation or get away for a bit, I'm always being called or emailed or trying to coordinate something back home.  This will be the first time I will put an "I'm completely unreachable" voicemail on my cell phone. Undoubtedly, I will lose some referrals and we will have to tighten down the budget but I know it will be worth it. My plans for work after D is 6 weeks is to put him in an "in home" day care 2 days a week and then scheduling the rest of my appointments in the evenings and weekends. I hope I can get organized enough that I can do this without my clients feeling that I work part time (though the hours won't add up to part time, but anywho).

-Taking extra time with our dog children. Yes, I must admit it was a hard transition on ME to put our dogs down in their new home (our basement).  They've adjusted nicely and, in my husband's words- "they're dogs". I've been found most nights watching t.v. with a dog curled up on each side. Sophie has definitely been getting extra care since she's been covered in huge hives for 2 days. I'm pretty sure she eats our trumpet vine flowers as snacks when she's outside but she might have been stung too.

So that's a bit of a summary of my life right now. It's sooo surreal that in a blink it can change. Birthmom is due in 3 weeks so it could be any time now. :) Wowza.

He's a growin'....

I talked today to birthmom as she was leaving an ultrasound appointment. It looks like little "D" (aka maybe baby) is measuring 6 lbs 1 oz! Woot woot!! He could be a big boy! What am I supposed to do with all these newborn sized clothes? ;)

Nursery update

At my sister-in-law's prompting, I'm posting some updated photos of our nursery. Sheets and clothes are washed and we're practically ready to go. You might notice I ditched the bumper in the crib. Nana (my mom) is a home health care nurse (who works with moms and newborn babies) and encouraged us to get rid of it due to SIDS risk.  

Here is our changing area (re-finished dresser from craigslist..where else?), Pier 1 lamp from master bedroom.


Another re-located item- a chair from Pier 1 that was in our office. I hope I won't regret not getting a rocker. We're still in the market for an ottoman or something.


Our modern and simple crib area. The tree and birds are from Single Stone Studios. I will shamelessly promote them because they have really cool decals and even better customer service (I decided on a whim that I wanted 2 bird colors, and they accommodated by shipping off exactly what I asked for). Once this nursery planning madness is over, I will be re-ordering more. I'm a total wall decal fan!


I do need some advice!! Should we ditch our mobile? Do babies really like them? It sort of drives me nuts. It's cute, but it messes with my clean, simple theme for the room. I'm weird, I know. Tell me what you think! Here is the same shot as before with the mobile:

Best finds...

Ok, if you know me personally, you will know that I'm a huge 'craigslist' fan. If you are living under a rock (just kidding) and haven't heard of it, craigslist is a free site where you buy/sell items. We've sold our couches, our old t.v., etc. My absolute all time favorite purchase was a high end dishwasher that was only 2 years old that we bought uber cheap. My dishes have never sparkled so much! I've also found some fabulous baby stuff!! Here are my favorite finds:

Our blue Bumbo. These retail for $39.99 and I picked this one up for $15. It was used ONCE and the seller's son's legs were too chubby and it didn't work for them.

  Our aqua Combi (very similar to a Pack n Play). It is not even a year old and has great features like a changing table, bassinet, lights, sounds, vibrating thingy. :) They retail for $119.99 and I bought it for $50.00. It was very gently used.

I also found a Moby Wrap used only a couple of times. This pic is from the website but the one I bought was black. I got it for $20 and they retail for $39.99.  I'm excited to explore the world of baby wearing. I think the bonding will be great and so will the convenience of not needing to always push around a stroller.

I also have drawers of very gently used clothes in small sizes (to tide us over until baby shower time) in name brands that I got for 75% or more off of what you'd pay in stores. Our little guy will look cute rocking his Carters and GAP clothes that I got a steal on. :) We're slowing getting more and more prepared and can't wait to meet our son! Keep praying for birth mom and dad and their hard days to come. 

DONE

I'm excited to announce that our part of the home study is done. :) Woot woot!! Our caseworker (who didn't even really tour our sparkly clean home) has to finish writing up the actual home study and should be done by the end of next week!  What a relief! :) :)

p.s...any thoughts on the new look of my blog? Yay? Nay? 

Worst timing...

So for those of you in the adoption game or those who have gone through the adoption process, you know that the "final" home study (that is an actual tour and interview in your home) is a BIGGIE. I've heard story after story of people cleaning and organizing their brains out. Some stories of people finishing lingering projects, sprucing landscaping, etc.  Well, here we are T Minus 2 days and I'm sick. Ug. Yes, a really fun "sore-throat-swollen-gland-piercing-ear-pain-super-tired" sickness. So most my projects will go undone. Our case worker will have to leave her white glove at home and overlook some less than perfect spots in our humble abode.  I know that I am probably putting way more pressure on myself than necessary, but I had high hopes of a sparkling clean home. Oh well. It's decently clean and straightened. It will have to do. I will update after our final home study Wednesday. Can't believe we'll be DONE after that. Oh yeah- birth mom is due in 37 days. Please continue to pray for her and birth dad as the final days of her pregnancy draw near. They will be making the hardest decision of their lives. Also, please pray for peace for Mark and I whether they chose the adoption plan they've made or if they change their mind and parent. God's in charge. (I have to repeat this constantly but I know it to be totally true).