Living with Children
Q: Our son is a month from being two. We’re concerned about his throwing. During a recent dinner out, he threw a fork that whizzed by a lady’s head just missing her eye. I took a building block to the lip the other day and Grandma got a metal car on the forehead. The articles I’ve read just say throwing is a way of exploring cause/effect relationships. We’ve tried consistent timeouts, redirecting, ignoring, and getting down to his level and telling him “No!” His throwing just keeps getting worse. He starts school in August and I’m anticipating a lot of incident reports. Any suggestions?
A: I first have to ask why otherwise intelligent people would go into a restaurant with a not quite two-year-old who has a habit of throwing things at people? Would you take a dog that bites people to a park and let it off the leash? Can you say “common sense?”
I should not need to tell you that until the aerial assaults stop, you need, for the public good, to keep your son out of places where he can pick up solid objects and wing them at unsuspecting strangers. In that event, the cause/effect just might be the following: injury/lawyers. (To be perfectly clear, I don’t think toddlers should be allowed in restaurants that have wait staffs (meaning all but the fast food sort) even if they don’t throw things.)
Yes, two-year-olds are known for throwing things. And yes, throwing is a way of exploring cause and effect, but the most immediate and fascinating effect in this case is that everyone gets upset. That’s the payoff.
You tell me you’ve tried “consistent time outs,” but then you tell me you’ve also tried several other consequences, including ignoring. What, pray tell, is consistent about that? And even if you did use time out consistently it probably wouldn’t stop the throwing. Time out (a few minutes in a chair) is the weakest disciplinary consequence ever invented. It works with kids who are already well-behaved. Furthermore, time out does not work when the misbehavior in question is above 2 on a scale of 1 to 10, and throwing things at people is at least an 8, regardless of the thrower’s age.
When he throws something, or even acts like he’s thinking about throwing something, you need to put him in his room and gate him in there for at least fifteen minutes—thirty minutes is not too long for a child this age. If he’s too strong for a gate, then cut the door in half, re-hang it, and turn the knob around so it can be locked from the outside. If neither of you is skilled enough with tools to do that, then contribute to some handyman’s standard of living.
When you put him in his room, you must do so without the slightest show of emotion, as if you’re just following a formula. You needn’t even say “No!” He’s a smart kid, I’ll wager. He’ll get the message. If he screams for the entire fifteen minutes, so be it. The experience will not scar him, I assure you. It will, however, make an impression, however slowly.
When his time is up, just let him out. Don’t lecture him or try to make him confess/apologize. Just let him out and go your merry way, prepared to do the same thing the next time an incident occurs. Consistently done, I predict this will cure his throwing in no more than six weeks. Even then, no restaurants for another two years. Okay?
I'm going to hold back the majority of my respond to this advice but I will say that I agree throwing stuff is a problem. I do not agree that a 2 year old should be put in their room for 15-30 minutes for disciplining purposes ever. I want Declan's room to be his safe haven. I think 15-30 minutes is far too long for a time out. John Rose.mond is a supposed expert so I miss how he thinks a 2 year old even remembers what they're being punished for after 5 minutes.
Plus I think he's snappy and just plain rude. Some 2 year olds can eat out at a nicer-than-fast-food restaurant just fine. That's not my son, but he's an extra special dose of sky high energy.
So, thanks but no thanks, John. I'll be trying some other tactics. Any mamas out there with a less drastic approach to addressing the 2 year old thrower?