Good food, good times, good friends...

The long awaited Martin Sexton concert was last night. It was the 2nd time I've seen him live and the 3rd time Mark has seen him live. He is ridiculously talented. I think during the concert I asked Mark 5 times "how does he do that"? Martin preformed alone last night but you wouldn't have known because AS HE'S SINGING he does percussion and bass..kind of like beat boxing.

With that said, I'll never see him at Knicker.bockers again. That venue is a sad reminder of the lack of nice venues for music in Lincoln. Mark's band has played there many times over the last 8 or 9 years and the owners are always less than welcoming and the place itself is a sh*t hole. I told Mark ahead of time that they'd over sell the tickets and it'd be a packed mess. Well guess what? It was PACKED with no air circulation in their tiny room. People we super rude and and pushy and I had to practice ultimate self control to not beat down some of the girls. Not an ideal situation for a clausto. We went with C & M and I'm sure M has some crazier stories than I do because she got stuck by some weirdos too (amazon woman, etc). Ha!

Before the concert we headed over to C & M's for dinner. Here's a run down of what she made (in under an hour because they were working):
-Chicken cooked in wine, lemon juice & capers
-Sugar snap peas cooked in olive oil and garlic, topped with sea salt
-Cous Cous with peas and lemon zest

It was absolutely delicious and I would take M's cooking over any restaurant. Yummmm!!

The night was a blast and, despite the crazy packed venue, it was super memorable and nice to have a night out in boring L-town.

This is the only pic I took and I had to doctor it up....


Us at the concert...isn't Mark just hot?!? :) The holding out the camera thing doesn't always work. :)

The life lesson of "Friday Night Lights"

My husband and I love Friday Night Lights. We had friends recommend it to us and we've been hooked ever since. One of the main characters, the football coach, has a lot of wise things to say. It sounds weird, but things he says really stick with me sometimes.

A couple episodes ago, the coach and his wife lost their new baby's nanny. The wife was really struggling with what to do because her career is really important but her baby is really important. The coach leaned in really close to her face and said "Gracie is not our burden...she is our blessing."

I think I really lose sight of my blessings some time. Managing and maintaining our home can be a huge pain in the butt, but we are so blessed to even have a home. Sometimes my job feels more like a life style than an actual career. BUT I am blessed to have a job.

This week we were told we are going to have to work from home until our new office is ready (3-4 months). I was really bummed to not have an actual office to go to, but the more I thought about it, working from home can be a huge blessing. I'm going to try to schedule my time working more effectively so I can work out more and keep my house more organized.

I'm going to try to remember things are blessings even when they feel like burdens.

Interesting acupuncture experience...

I went to acupuncture on Tuesday and I told the gal that everyone I know is sick and I'm bummed because my throat was starting to hurt. She did a lot of work on my sinuses and told me that I'd start draining that night. She said my cold would be super fast forwarded and to come back in 2 days and she bets I'll be better. I was confused because I hadn't really gotten a cold yet. My throat was just a bit sore.

So that night Mark and I went to Sam's Club and, on our way, I started blowing my nose. I blew my nose all night! I then woke up with a horrible sore throat and headache all day yesterday. Today, it seems my symptoms are quite faded and will hopefully be gone by tomorrow.

Strange. Coincidence? Acupuncture? Hmm...

I was tagged!

Neenie has one of the funniest blogs I've ever read (I Think We Made a Nugget). Somehow I stumbled upon her blog when she was doing injections at the same time I was. Her stories about the day to day joys (ahem) of the process were hilarious. She's now over 30 weeks preggo and on bed rest. (Stay put a little while longer, swimmy). Anywho...I was "tagged" and I have to list 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about myself.

So here I go...

1. I'm super picky about food. I've tried to hide this from most people but I've gotten "called out" more in the last year or so. Some examples...I don't eat a lot of red meat b/c I don't like gnawing things like steaks, roast, etc. I'm really specific about how things are cooked. I like all my meat cooked all the way through (even seafood) and I about gag at people eating things rare. Along the same lines--I hate buffets. Too much food just sitting out getting nasty. Ew. If I eat something out of date by accident, I freak out for about 6 hours until I realize I'm not hurling my guts out so I must not have gotten sick. I should see someone about this.
2. I've never mowed. Ever. I've never even turned on or pushed a mower. My dad and brother always did this and, ironically, they now own a law business so they do my husband and I's yard. They rock.
3. If I could snap my fingers and have an instant career change, I'd be a photographer/graphic designer. I'd love to take pics of families and newborns and then create announcements, etc. I have no training and I don't see myself going back to school for these things but I just secretly want to do it so bad.
4. I'm really paranoid about my house being clean (especially when people come over). But, in reality, we live most the week in such a mess. We throw our clothes on the ground in the room and bathroom, the dishes pile up and smell like a**, we have piles of dust bunnies on our wood floors. Then, about once a week, I'll snap and I just HAVE to clean until it's spotless. Then we mess it up again. If we just maintained the cleanliness, life would be much easier.
5. I shave my arms almost everyday. I did it for my senior prom because some of my girlfriends decided it'd be fun. Once it grew in, I didn't like it because it was all wiry and weird looking. So I kept shaving them. That was 8 years ago.
6. I'm a TV addict. Some of my friends might have heard me say it before, but it's bad. I have so many shows that I DVR that it's crazy. I do most my watching pretty late but it's not uncommon for me to plop down at 8 or 9pm and not get up until 12:30am just so I can be sure to watch Regis & Kelly, Oprah, all my reality TV, LOST, Prison Break, Amazing Race, ER, etc etc. At least a couple times a year I tell my husband we should cancel cable and see what we'd do. He always tells me about when his family got rid of cable for a month and they spent so much quality time together. They didn't even miss it after awhile. Maybe some day I'll get the strength.

Ok, now that you all think I'm a weirdo, I'll go now. :)

Introducing the dog children...

I've recently decided to give my blog address to some friends and family so I'll be making some more personal references. So, the first thing I had to do was introduce our dog children!!!

Cap't Jack
will be 3 in June
We got him as a little baby from a breeder


Sophie Mae
will be 5 in May
We got her from a boxer rescue


They are best friends!

Juno

The hubs and I just got back from the movie Juno. It stirred some serious emotion in me. Don't let the reviews of "comedy of the year" fool you. There are some very deep situations throughout. With all that said, I thought the move was well done and it's definitely a new favorite. I'm sure it had a different meaning to me as an infertile myrtle and possible future adopter.

A couple scenes induced the "I"m about to cry throat lump". *If you haven't seen the movie, I guess my thoughts can be considered spoilers*

-There is a scene where Jennifer Garner (as the adoptive mom) asks to touch the belly of the preggo Juno (lead character). She talks to the baby and it kicks. The look on Jennifer's face was priceless.
-Juno makes a comment to Jennifer about how she's lucky to not be pregnant and having to deal with the symptoms. As someone dealing with infertility, I know I can say I would deal with every ache, pain, puke, fatness and sleeplessness just have a baby. Jennifer's face spoke my emotions.

There are other parts of the movie that tugged on my heart but those are a couple. It's really a great movie, I would encourage everyone to check it out. There are A LOT of laughs. The hubs and I both thought it was great despite the immature teenagers inappropriately yelling out and laughing. When we were driving home we discussed whether we were that annoying and we concluded that my group of friends probably were but his were most likely not. :) Ha.

I'd guess this film will get a lot of nominations...especially the main character. Go see it. Even if you're dealing with IF. I read on a blog from a preggo girl who dealt with infertility, and she said she couldn't have made it through if she hadn't recently gotten pregnant. I disagree. It's a great flick and, though it was emotionally stirring, it was worth it.

My first week of acupuncture

I had acupuncture twice this week. The first session was interesting because I didn't know what to expect. The office I go to use electric stim acupuncture. It is said to be more effective, quicker and less painful than the traditional chinese method. I was shocked it was so quick and painless. It's hard to know how quickly results would appear.

Later that night I had a HUGE deal fall through (I sell real estate) and normally I would freak out complete with yelling and crying and just plain frustration. But, for some reason, I was calm. WTF? Calm? Yes, my crazy a** type A personality was calm under pressure? There must be something wrong. It's then when I realized I had my first acupuncture treatment that afternoon. Coincidence? I don't know.

The next day at work was interesting because the word had spread that I had a ginormous transaction fall through and co-workers were upset for me. I was STILL cool as a cucumber. My boss actually asked if I was medicated! Ha!! They know me too well. I told him about the acupuncture and he said I should definitely keep up with it. He also told me that I should just relax and I'll get pregnant. In my mind I was like "oh no he did-ent" but I kindly told him that with my particular condition, it's not advisable to be off birth control for several reasons so it's hard to have a spontaneous pregnancy. I got him in trouble with his daughter (who works at my office and who is also TTC). Hehehehe.

My second treatment was quick and painless and easy. My stress still feels relatively under control so I'm a happy camper. We'll see if the results keep coming. Stay tuned.

and the drama continues...

So I placed a call to my RE's office this morning to outline my new "plan". I talked to a different nurse about if I need to find a new RE or if my current RE will be okay with me doing a couple rounds of shots/IUIs with the acupuncture, etc. I really truly thought that if I outlined what my expectations are that she'd be fine with letting me continuing there. Basically I told the nurse that, yes, I know I have PCOS (duh) and I know I have the chance of hyper-stimulating (double duh) but that I will be open to canceling a cycle if I have tons of follies. I'm not an idiot (though they love treating me like I am). So you can imagine how shocked I was when the nurse told me my RE re-considered and still thinks it's too much of a liability. I proceeded to try to nicely tell the nurse that it seems unethical for her to refuse to treat me. The nurse actually agreed! I said a face to face conversation would be better than communicating through nurses. So my RE was okay with a consultation regarding my feelings on these issues but it would be a $330 consultation fee. WHAT??? I've already had a consultation and paid the sh*tty fee as well as loads of other fees!

After hanging up the phone undecided on scheduling the stupid consultation, I started to think about the kind of service I'll get if I do talk her in to continuing to monitor my cycles. Yikes. So, anywho, I decided to contact another RE in the same city. He can't see me until early February so that put me off another month on beginning injections. I think a fresh start is in order and I'm excited to meet him and get his opinions on my past and future treatment plans.

In other happy news, I started acupuncture today!! Woot! It was easy and I felt good when I left. I'm going to try twice a week for a bit and then more close to ovulation and several times after I am inseminated.

What a difference a day makes

After the emotional day I had yesterday, it was nice to wake up to a Monday and get to work. *I'm not smoking crack* Before I could even get going, I got a call from my RE's (Reproductive Endocrinologist) office. Her nurse informed me of the blood work I needed prior to beginning IVF in 3 weeks. She also told me about all the drugs I needed to order. I asked her if I could just bill that through their office (we are doing a loan for part of the cost and cash for the rest). She then told me that the drugs and all the ultrasounds/blood work you need were NOT included in the price they quoted me of $8,500. Yikes! Those things add up to almost $3,000 in additional fees. I wish I could blog what went through my head, but it includes too many un-ladylike words. :)

I told the nurse that this was all news to me and she acted surprised. I hate that office. They assume you know everything about everything. Whenever I ask any questions they treat me like a dumba**. My hubby can't stand how the nurse and doc talk to me there. When you pay for everything out of pocket, it puts a little extra sting in it. Mrs. Pleasant Pants (the nurse) proceeds to tell me that the doctor is unwilling to let me do just shots and insemination. My PCOS and my resistance to sign a consent to do multi fetal reduction, makes her uncomfortable. WTF? There are tons of women who have this disease. Yes, you can stimulate lots of follies, but that doesn't mean you will every time. Also, it seems a bit unethical to say they won't keep me as a injectables/IUI patient if I don't sign a paper saying I'll reduce if I get too many babies. Sketchy, eh? Here is what I see as our 3 options:

1. Continue with IVF as planned
2. Cancel our IVF plans and instead go back to injectables/IUIs. I really only completed 2 unsuccessful rounds b/c my 3rd round was cancelled due to hyperstimulation. Along with this option, I would add acupuncture and yoga (for my infertility insanity...see yesterday's post). Unfortunately, light exercise is all I can add due to the shots.
3. Quit all the fertility treatment madness and start the adoption process. I would also hit the training/nutrition thing really hard and most likely quit birth control and let nature take it's course. Yes, I know I don't have periods OR ovulatate so this is a stretch, but oh how nice it sounds.

So after a day full of thinking and stressing, we feel more of a direction. *Notice that I keep adding "we" in there. My hubby really has no opinion. He's 100% supportive of whatever decision I make. His only real opinion is that the cost of IVF bites but he doesn't mind if we do it*. I'm still gathering info about yoga & acupuncture, but I'm pretty sure we're going to go with option 2. With option 2, we would incure no new debt b/c we can afford to pay out of pocket (it's under $2000 a round with drugs, ultrasounds, blood works, and insemination).

I feel the door is partially closed for IVF for us. I've been having so much doubt these last few weeks. It was really hard to distinguish whether I'm afraid or whether my intuition is kicking in. I feel like God speaks to me through intuition and my intuition is usually right. Fear? Intuition? Will I ever know? Only if we cough up $11,000 to play out the fear card. At this point, no thanks.

So two more rounds of shots. Please, please, please work!!!! If not, adoption here we come.

I'm officially a disaster

I've always been able to appear as though I'm holding it all together. I still can put on a pretty happy face for most people but, seriously, this whole infertility journey is starting to tear me up. I'm freaking out about IVF. The 2 main issues are that 1) I'm intimidated and scared of the procedures...especially egg retrieval and getting sick...time off work, etc. Also, 2) I'm not sure what my emotional state will be if this doesn't work and we have all the money spent (and some on a loan). I just see myself being an emotional wreck.

I'm starting to have anxiety in several areas of my life and I think that my issues with control mixed with all the IVF stress is creating a very shakey environment emotionally. I think I would definitely benefit from some sort of anxiety med, but I don't want to add another drug to my huge portfolio right now. :(

I did have a really good conversation with my SIL last night. She is one of the few people in my life to "tell me like it is". I think that most my friends 'tip toe' around me because my personality is so strong. I wish more of them would be more up front and opinionated with me, but I guess I need to work on creating more of a welcoming persona. :) I'll get right to that ;). Seriously though, I love it when someone from the outside can tell me I'm freaking out and give me a shot of reality. Last night, my SIL told me not to back out of IVF (b/c I've been considering it). She told me that I love to be in control and all the procedures and processes are unknown so it's scary. She reminded me that if it doesn't work, we still have options. My hubby and I have a huge heart for adoption, so we'll pursue that ASAP if IVF doesn't work for us. One of the most impacting thing she said is that it's not our decision whether this round of fertility treatments works, it's God's. That is so true! It's hard to remember that God still ultimately chooses whether to bless us with a baby naturally or through adoption. We're just here to try all we can (as far as fertility treatments go). I think I would kick my own a** years down the road if we didn't at least TRY all we can.

So, deep breaths... Moving forward... I'm waiting to hear from the nurse about what we need to be doing over the next 3 weeks in preparation for our first, and most likely only, IVF. Stay tuned. :)