I'm officially a disaster

I've always been able to appear as though I'm holding it all together. I still can put on a pretty happy face for most people but, seriously, this whole infertility journey is starting to tear me up. I'm freaking out about IVF. The 2 main issues are that 1) I'm intimidated and scared of the procedures...especially egg retrieval and getting sick...time off work, etc. Also, 2) I'm not sure what my emotional state will be if this doesn't work and we have all the money spent (and some on a loan). I just see myself being an emotional wreck.

I'm starting to have anxiety in several areas of my life and I think that my issues with control mixed with all the IVF stress is creating a very shakey environment emotionally. I think I would definitely benefit from some sort of anxiety med, but I don't want to add another drug to my huge portfolio right now. :(

I did have a really good conversation with my SIL last night. She is one of the few people in my life to "tell me like it is". I think that most my friends 'tip toe' around me because my personality is so strong. I wish more of them would be more up front and opinionated with me, but I guess I need to work on creating more of a welcoming persona. :) I'll get right to that ;). Seriously though, I love it when someone from the outside can tell me I'm freaking out and give me a shot of reality. Last night, my SIL told me not to back out of IVF (b/c I've been considering it). She told me that I love to be in control and all the procedures and processes are unknown so it's scary. She reminded me that if it doesn't work, we still have options. My hubby and I have a huge heart for adoption, so we'll pursue that ASAP if IVF doesn't work for us. One of the most impacting thing she said is that it's not our decision whether this round of fertility treatments works, it's God's. That is so true! It's hard to remember that God still ultimately chooses whether to bless us with a baby naturally or through adoption. We're just here to try all we can (as far as fertility treatments go). I think I would kick my own a** years down the road if we didn't at least TRY all we can.

So, deep breaths... Moving forward... I'm waiting to hear from the nurse about what we need to be doing over the next 3 weeks in preparation for our first, and most likely only, IVF. Stay tuned. :)